Surprisingly, Cirque du Freak was not as tacitly ridiculous as I though it was going to be before the projector rolled. It’s not perfect, of course. The film has the smell upon it of a film trying desperately to fill the void of the soon to be departed Harry Potter franchise, where a kid with something to prove learns the power within and finds his destiny amongst an unexpected group of like-minded abnormals.

Based on the series of books by Darren Shan, Cirque is saved by one factor in particular: character actor John C. Reilly as Larten Crepsley, the vampire that needs assisting as referred to by the title. Reilly as a curmudgeonly vampire just looking to avoid the wars of his people and lead a quite afterlife is, if you’ll excuse the pun, the life-blood of this film.

Before writing this review, I consulted Wikipedia to get the lowdown on the book series and how the movie might be different or has deviated from the novels, which, to my surprise, there are 12. From what I can tell, The Vampire’s Assistant borrows from the first three books, but I really didn’t need ole Wiki to tell me that. The script is positively jam-packed with characters and plot and counter-plots and various assorted other trivia. For the fictional mythology nerd, Cirque is a positively orgasmic, detail-oriented romp. There’s the history of the Cirque, the history of Crepsley, the history of the war between the vampires and their blood-thirstier associates the vampaneze, and the disintegrating nature of their 100 year truce. Next time, pass out programs.

Fortunately, Reilly is there to bring us back down to earth with churlish charm as a been there/done that vampire for whom 200 years is more than enough immortality. Why he makes young Darren (Chris Massoglia) half-vampire as price for saving his friend Steve’s life, is a mystery, but I guess without it, there would have been no story, so there you go. Reilly skewers his usual rolls of stalwart support and sidekick buffoon to become badass antihero; his hair may be Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter but I dare you to mess with him in a dark alley. Next to Reilly, relative newcomer Massoglia (Joe Dante’s The Hole) can barely get a word in. In the commonalities between this and the Harry Potter movies, this particular aspect wins out most: the hero just doesn’t seem particularly heroic.

Indeed, the world around him is much more lively. There’s Crepsley’s squeeze, the bearded woman Madame Truska played by Selma Hayek, who will make you believe that a bearded lady can still be dizzyingly attractive. Playing Darren’s Ron and Hermoine are Evra the Snake Boy played with emo minstrel wannabe drawl by Patrick Fugit and Rebecca, a Cirque worker with an untold tail (not a misspell) and cutesy charm played by Jessica Carlson. Unfortunately, none of these characters gets a substantial enough share of the limelight to be able to breakout of their pre-ordained archetypes, and the truly enigmatic, like the potentially time-travelling, destiny writing Mr. Tiny (played with what appears 200 extra pounds by Michael Cerveris, The Observer from Fringe), are barely around long enough to make the impression that they should.

As the movie rolls to its climax, events seem to speed up; there’s almost too much of the film and not enough of it at the same time. The primary conflict between the more cerebral vampires and the evil vampaneze becomes embodied by Darren and his late BFF Steve (Josh Hutcherson) seems kind of forced, and Mr. Tiny’s fight ending “Now’s not the time” declaration is just as equally preposterous. Director Paul Wietz would have been better served to put up a title card saying “Tell your friends to see this movie so that it makes a tonne of coin and we can produce the sequel.” It wouldn’t have been subtle, but it would have been honest. In the meantime though, I call Cirque a win because O’Reilly’s the bomb and the filmmakers were brilliant in their foresight to make Selma Hayek’s beard retractable.

And before you ask, yes, despite being a half-vampire in training, I’m still relatively sure that Darren could beat the snot out of Edward Cullen. And Darren’s monkey-girlfriend could do a number on Bella too. I smell a crossover.