Hollywood loves a fatal attraction. From producers Beyoncé Knowles (naturally) and Earvin “Magic” Johnson (?), comes the answer to the question: what would Fatal Attraction be like if it were about black people and the stalker was clinically obsessed. But really, it just seems like an excuse to juxtapose today’s devoutly-married man with a take-charge woman who will bitch-slap the office temp for trying to get with her man. Something about this film seems so wrong… Actually, everything about this film feels so wrong. There’s always one of these movies every spring where the people don’t act like people and yet somehow we’re commanded to take serious the actions of obviously drawn characters.

It begins with Derek (Idris Elba) a hot shot at the one financial firm not crying for a bailout. (Lucky him.) In fact, the whole housing bubble burst ain’t hurting Derek either because he and his wife Sharon (Beyoncé) just bought a really nice house. They probably got a real good deal too because houses are so plentiful in southern California, there are cougars living in empty ones. (Google it!) In fact, this couple has it together so much that they probably have an awesome college fund for their little 2-year-old. Well the perfect perfectness is threatened by Lisa, the office temp(tress). Lisa’s played by Heroes’ Ali Larter, who only wishes that she could summon even half of Glenn Close’s psychopathic qualities.

Now Ali Larter is unquestionably a beautiful woman, but as she demonstrates on Heroes, acting ability is not one of her super-powers. From Lisa you don’t feel even the tiniest bit of menace, or the faintest hint of believability. You sit there in the film’s relatively boring first half and wonder why the only character that can see through Lisa’s jive is Jerry O’Connell as Derek’s best friend, who looks more like a hobo in a suit rather than a powerful financier. The acting is so obvious, with Elba’s character seemingly desperate to prove his innocence and unquestioning devotion to his wife, and Larter anxiously wanting to fast-forward to Lisa’s more psychotic segments.

But the main problem is this: everything is too cut and dry, Lisa is obviously out of her mind, and Derek is way too much a straight arrow for even the oblivious Detective Reese (a wasted Christine Lahti) to believe that he was involved with Lisa on the down low. Derek is such a great guy, always talking about “getting home to the wife” and promising her that he won’t get too rowdy and drunk, and that’s the problem. In Fatal Attraction, Michael Douglas’ character sought out the affair with Glenn Close, hence an argument could be made that he brought it on himself. So why Derek? Because he’s nice and good-looking? Why not Hobo Jerry O’Connell?

Basically, I think it was because the whole script was redacted for the benefit of star Beyoncé. After all, who would ever cheat on Beyoncé? No one. Would Beyoncé ever lie down and take some skank moving in on her man even if she has deeply seeded mental problem? Hell, no! And isn’t the point of a singer acting in a movie is so that she can secure a piece of the soundtrack kick back? Absol… Well, I guess. And as the hugely inappropriate ballad played over the end credits, immediately following the bare-knuckle brawl between the two female leads, it occurred to me: this is the Beyoncé show, and nothing else really matters.