As much as the title “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” is a phonetic delight, it’s a better one than – what I assume was the original title – “Fat Ass Die Hard in a Mall.” That is the essential nucleus of Blart, which is about a group of sophisticated, high tech thieves that try to rob a mall on “Black Friday” and find themselves thwarted by an overzealous rent-a-cop. But where as Hans Gruber’s master plan had within it some degree of plausibility – not to mention planning – the robbers of Mall Cop manage to marry ambition with short-sightedness. Logically speaking, I have no idea how they planned on getting away with it, and counting fallacies in a movie like this is usually a bad sign for zero distraction.

But I may take it easier on Blart than most. Sure its only rarely funny, its concept is tired and it stars a man whose biggest comedic contribution has been to have his own sitcom in the waning, on life-support, final days of the art form, but at its heart is an idea that’s sadly given me hours of enjoyment. I used to work retail, and on the odd occasion the topic of conversation amongst a few of us drones was about what we could do in the event of a hostile takeover of the store. With questions like where would you hide, and what could you use as a weapon, there were infinitesimal possibilities. In this respect, Mall Cop reached my inner mallrat and renewed some fond memories.

Now this is another way of saying that what was going on in my head during the show was way more interesting than what was happening on screen. There are a lot of fat jokes at the expense of Blart, played by Kevin James. He’s one of those guys that have aspirations above their station, so Blart turns his meaningless job into something bordering on the fanatical. Of course, this diligence comes in handy when faced with a mall full of acrobatic thieves on skateboards and BMX bikes, who are all clearly over-skilled to be knocking over a mall for credit card numbers. But that’s okay really because Blart is mostly a good natured film that’s kind of harmless.

But if we really want to rip into it, there’s more than enough to chew on. Let’s see, it’s basically an hour and a half ad for the Segway scooter. It perpetuates a myth that no matter how overweight or hypoglycaemic you are, you too can be a super-commando he-man capable of physical deeds normally beyond your ability. Also, the makers of Blart demonstrate that you can take an idea with so many possibilities and exploit it for only the most basic of simplistic story directions you can possibly choose. Double cross? Check. Kid in peril? Check. A budding romance with the slim girl that works one of the mall kiosks? Check. Everybody being curiously ineffectual but the one guy that really should be? Check.

Ridiculously formulaic without even the slightest hint of irony, it’s easy to see why Paul Blart: Mall Cop has somehow impressed so many. Anyone wanting deep, thoughtful and well-timed original comedy is clearly looking for the new Charlie Kaufman, which this clearly is not. James is pretty much a one note comedian, so there’s no help there and I can’t really think of anyone else in the cast, except maybe Bobby Cannavale, that has done any work of significance. It’s not a failure, but it’s not genius either. Whatever Paul Blart is, it’s become extremely popular for some reason that I can’t fully fathom. But if you like middle-of-the-road, take-no-risks, Home Alone-style antics, then I think you’ve found your movie.