The slimmest definition of a successful is comedy is whether it makes you laugh, and by this standard, Bride Wars is an unrepentant failure. It’s not the fault of the two main actresses really, because this script, even with Marlene Dietrich and Betty Davis, would have been a resounding disappointment. The battle in Bride Wars is the struggle to make something, anything, funny and the end result is always failure. So you slink down deeper in your seat nearly embarrassed that you’re there, save for the fact that you’re being paid to watch the movie and then write critically about it. And boy, do I have a lot to be critical about, but it’s almost like, “why bother?”

On the surface, Bride Wars can be perceived as a harmless comedy that plays with broad physical comedy and relatively stale film stereotypes that all together make for a typical paint-by-numbers Hollywood movie. You could dig deeper, of course, and talk about how it reflects negatively on women by implying that the prospect of a wedding turns them into Nazi-like control freaks that are pathologically obsessed with a very specific idea of what constitutes perfection. But if you’re looking for subtext in Bride Wars, boy did you come to the wrong place. Basically, this is one of those scripts that have read too many other scripts of the same genre; a typical cut and paste job.

But basically I kept coming back to the idea that real people wouldn’t act this way. Even the basic premise of the film – where in two BFFs face-off for some down-and-dirty rotten scheming to see who can flub up the other’s dream wedding first – seems to be far-fetched. The mere contrivance of the situation, they book two different days in June, only to end up booked on the same day, screams of Saved By the Bell type clichés where it’s okay for something stupid to happen because it’s all in service of the plot. And you know that even the writer’s don’t believe in their own story when they throw in an eighth inning curve ball where one of the brides begins to doubt her commitment. It’s like the start of a whole other movie just 20 minutes before the finish line.

And I would say that the actors are like marionettes, but frankly if there was any puppetry in this movie it could only make the affair more interesting. Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway try their best, and while I have to say they both made authentic best friends, that’s about all I bought from their performances. Hudson I understand. She’s built a career doing this schlock, so the fact that she turned up in this ridiculous piece of fluff is no surprise, but Anne Jacqueline Hathaway, you should be ashamed of yourself. Candice Bergen too for that matter. You mean to tell me that there was nothing better for you to do, because you looked about as interested in having a hand in this thing as I do.

But the thing that stayed with me the most is just how awful this movie is in regards to its tired and insulting comedic portrayal of women as man hungry, OCD automatons that are driven solely by the desire to find the perfect guy, in order to have the perfect wedding. And may all of heaven and earth be damned should any sliver of a problematic situation get in their way, because nothing ruins a life faster than not getting the right DJ for the reception. I mean, how can you sleep at night knowing that you biological impediment for eight daily hours of uninterrupted rest caused you to miss the final piece of making your impossible dream wedding a reality. That’s the kind of stuff that makes Jacob Marley walk the Earth forever. And don’t get me started about the video montage… And yes, all that was sarcastic. But seriously, when it comes to Bride Wars, don’t waste your time.