What if I told you that 88 Minutes, which was recently released in theatres across North America, is already available on DVD in Brazil? Doesn’t exactly bode well for its future as a preferred classic, does it? Well, even if Brazilian distributors hadn’t previously invested so little faith in the final product, I highly doubt that 88 Minutes would be well thought of, despite the presence of a really great cast of actors lead by Al Pacino. It’s an omnipresent serial killer melodrama that has way too many plot holes and contrivances to make it even remotely enjoyable.

Pacino is Jack Gramm, a forensic psychiatrist whose testimony put away serial killer Jon Forster (Neil McDonough). On the eve of Forster’s execution, Gramm receives a phone call from someone who tells him that he has 88 minutes to live. (Hey, that’s the title!) Against the background of all this are a serious of murders in the Seattle area that copycat Forster’s original crimes to the letter. A sympathetic FBI agent (William Forsythe) tries to help Gramm sort through the clues, but to the powers that be, it looks like Forster might be innocent. But Gramm has more pressing concerns, like his life. Who’s trying to kill him? How’s Forster involved? How does Pacino’s hair defy gravity like that?

Now I’m a big fan of the TV show Criminal Minds, so I love that criminal profiling stuff, which is why it was so disheartening to see Pacino’s forensic profiler do so little profiling. He kind of ambles from one mini-crisis to the other without showing an indication that he’s trying to think ahead to his opponent’s next move; I mean even John McClane shows more forward thinking while under fire. One thing I will say in Gramm’s favour is that he certainly gets more “action” than the entire cast of profilers on Criminal Minds combined.

Of course, that show tries to ground itself in some kind of realism, which doesn’t come into play at all in 88 Minutes. The killer manages to be everywhere and nowhere, right in front of you and calling on your cell phone from afar. This gets kind of annoying after awhile because the screenplay loads you up with so many suspects that what you want is clues as to who it can be rather that a reiteration of the same threats over and over again as the killer proves what kind of mast planner they are. But that’s not to say that the film is difficult to follow either, it reads like a cheap book.

Written by Gary Scott Thompson it’s not hard to understand why 88 Minutes fails to find any ounce of authenticity – this is the guy that gave us The Fast and the Furious, Timecop 2 and the TV series Las Vegas. This film feels as if someone went into a room and said, “Give me Silence of the Lambs, Fast and the Furious and 24 in one star-driven package,” and Thompson replied, “Give me five days.” When it isn’t being stupid, it’s being ugly. Despite a strong female cast, this film hates women and does any number of tortuous things to them. Gramm is meant to be some kind of Ladies’ Man (despite Pacino’s notable age difference with every woman in this movie), but what’s implied is that Gramm has no qualms about sleeping with students or patients, which is doubly unethical.

It’s odd because it seems that 88 Minutes is so bad, that even the weather doesn’t co-operate; within a few minutes the forecast would change from rainy to not rainy. And while I know the old joke is, “If you don’t like the weather in Vancouver (where the movie was shot), wait five minutes,” but this is ridiculous. Also, shouldn’t a movie called 88 Minutes be only an hour and half long rather than two hours? Now I’m being nit-picky, but honestly the film felt excruciatingly long for a ticking clock thriller. And most importantly, if you’re trying to pass Vancouver off as Seattle, then don’t shoot a particularly long shot in front of one of the local Shoppers Drug Marts.

An utter disappointment in almost every respect, if you can’t tell who the murderer is from some obvious editing in the trailer, then you’ll surely realize it shortly after Gramm’s told about his 88 minute window. Unfortunately, what you’ll realize is that you probably just wasted 10 bucks.