It’s the worst kept secret ever that video games do not translate well into movies. Why, no one’s exactly sure, one would think it’d be the easiest fit since someone looked at a comic book and said, “Hey, these kind of look like storyboards.” Ever since Super Mario Bros, the standard has been that movies based on video games stink, especially if they’re preceded by the words “A Uwe Boll film”. Hitman, based on the multiplatform game from Eidos, never skewers that lowbrow, but it comes pretty close.



Now I’m not familiar with the video game series beyond the fact that it’s a first-person shooter and fairly popular with the gaming set. I am not a big gamer, although I do enjoy both video games in general and FPSs in particular (great way to blow off steam). I’ve got to say though, seeing Hitman does not make me want to go out and play Hitman. The movie is slick, well-made and generally enjoyable in a mindless sort of way, but any and all artistic merit is somewhat lacking.



The story is convoluted, but from what I can tell the protagonist is an assassin for hire called Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant), a genetically engineered killing machine skilled in all the deadly arts. Agent 47 is hired to assassinate the President of Russia, but the whole thing is an elaborate coup d’etat and 47 is the fall guy. A Russian hooker (Olga Kurylenko) is the key to exposing the conspiracy and soon 47 sets about the path to vengeance and… clearing his name? I don’t know. The man’s a ruthless killer with a shadow organization, it’s not like he was really innocent at the start of the first reel.



No sir, nothing too original in this picture at all. And I know that’s something that movie critics like to say, but I have proof that this was literally the case on Hitman. There was this show a few years ago called Dark Angel, it gave Jessica Alba her big break. Anyway, it was about genetically bred super soldiers and frequently included flashbacks to the kids’ misspent youth learning the fine art of military thinking and tactics. So you’ll never guess from what TV show, Hitman found stock footage for to use in the opening credits to illustrate 47’s early years.



The thing of it is, stock footage is used a lot in movies, but in the case of Hitman, the use of Dark Angel’s scenes were glaringly obvious and I’ve got to think that the filmmakers knew that the fan base this film would appeal to would be savvy enough to pick that up. There was no way that they couldn’t. Which leads me to one of two conclusions: either they were really lazy, or they were thinking that we were really stupid. To me neither option is acceptable, but in stitch I’d take lazy over stupid. Regardless, the first scene sets the stage for the overall quality of the rest of the film.



And anyone that can make out a discernable plot out of this mess is a lot brighter than I am because I have no idea. Essentially talent is wasted, unless you consider Olga Kurylenko’s nude body a talent unto itself. But interesting and charismatic actors like Olyphant, Dougray Scott and Henry Ian Cusick (Lost’s Desmond, brutha) are left out to sea with no direction and even less motivation. The solution to script problems and lack of character development: blast the sound of machine gun fire up nice and loud, that way your core demographic might not notice that they’re watching utter drivel.



So Hitman maintains the video game world’s track record in producing movies that do justice to neither the original source material nor filmdom in general. Damn shame too, because Agent 47 had so many interesting possibilities, like how in the next one he and his girlfriend are living under the radar in India when he’s framed for the murder of… Wait, I’m thinking of a much better assassin franchise. Oh, well.