Babylon A.D. (2008)

I’m not sure exactly where Babylon A.D. went off the rails, but it did. Surely everybody knows about director Matthieu Kassovitz pronouncement that Fox took his film and chopped it into a hideous CHUD of a love child and that star Vin Diesel backed him up on that 100 per cent. These tales of titillation in creative differences may be of some fascination to those interested in that part of the movie business. But what I don’t understand is how something that’s got some kind of interesting stuff going on at the periphery can be so dull and unimaginative almost completely. The film as presented seems one, long, boring trailer for a much better film, whether that film is Babylon A.D. or merely the ones that inspired it.

We once again return to our dystopian future, namely some nameless eastern European country where the native tongue is gibberish. We see Diesel’s character, Toorop, rough up some peasant for selling him a defective gun before retiring to his rat-hole apartment for some delicious dog and vegetables. It turns out Diesel is a mercenary of some repute, and an old employer charges him with taking a Nun (Michelle Yoeh) and her ward (Mélanie Thierry) from their abbey home in Mongolia and escort them to New York City. Why, is never made explicitly clear. But what is clear is that a lot of people are interested in the girl for some inexplicable and not entirely understood purpose, and Diesel is the lone wolf out to protect her at all cost. Basically the plot comes down to this: it looks cool, go with it.

First of all, somebody owes Ridley Scott a big hug and a kiss because Babylon’s Manhattan looks like a Giulianied Time Square meets Blade Runner: very pretty and very clean. And while accolades are being doled out, I think a solid is owed to Luc Besson as well, because from as far as I could understand, this is the exact same premise as The Fifth Element but with no space monsters or hammed up acting by Gary Oldman. Whom else do props go out to? Well, let’s give a shout out to Alfonso Cuaron, because the part of the film that takes place in a refugee camp is pure Children of Men. And later in the film, when it’s revealed that the girl is pregnant, you have to stop yourself from that reflex in smacking yourself in the forehead.

Aye, there’s the rub because pretty much everything up to the announcement that the super girl’s eggo is preggo makes a kind of sense so that you can just follow the action and the chases without putting to much thought into the affair. Then she says, “I’m pregnant” and you’re saying to yourself, “uh.” And if that weren’t enough, the film sort of devolves from there into a plot free-for-all that ends inexplicably with Diesel looking like a J. Crew ad applying for Dad of the Year. Then as the credits start to roll you think to yourself, “Well wait, wasn’t he supposed to be heartless mercenary?” How does somebody go from deadly killer to Ned Flanders? Well, for whoever cut Babylon, it’s as easy as scene transition.

The summer film slate has been great this year, unquestionably so. In an atmosphere like this, the term “stale leftovers” refers to the fact that you’re seeing The Dark Knight for the twelfth time. What Babylon A.D. is that place you go to after the bar on Saturday Night for some food. The place that is bad but cheap and you don’t care because you know there’s a fairly decent chance that you’ll be throwing it up in an hour and a half anyway. But then again, who can you hold responsible for this mess? Everybody involved in it, hates it. At least we all now know why.